Dating a Narcissist: Lesson Learned

The interesting play of emotions that occur during the dating phase can be nauseating, but couple that with dating, loving and interacting with a narcissist it then becomes a separate battle ram of emotional tennis.  A Narcissist will see you as the new project of the moment  not to say a narcissist cannot be won over, and find love but if you are an emotional being like me, then this is a  no-no they are not the one. Run!!! you will expend way to much energy and there is not enough pieces in the puzzle to make it picturesque. 

So who and what is a narcissist? 

A person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. (Google definition) They just love themselves, any projects that involve others is usually projects that involve them being seen, or just word play to fill their resume. Take alook at some of the narcissist in your own surroundings that have phenomenal ideas of helping others, on their resume, but haven’t done a lick of work for it, unless they can get on TV or take really nice pictures (lol) 

So if you are dating one, initially its kinda cat and mouse. He/She is enamored by the newness of you. Playing hard to get, excites them and they feel very empowered by the opportunity of winning you. Problem is once they have you, they may become bored, tired, and always looking for a something new, a spice, maybe even convincing you to do something new, something that feeds their way of being. In reality, the narcissist wants nothing but constant and consistent validation. After a while, you will not get the words of affirmation anymore as they have you and they only require you to be available whenever they are.

For whatever reason, if you find yourself even in the slightest form of a relationship with one, and if you an emotional and “heart sleeve” wearer like myself. 

Then here is the deal, in meeting one, at first you will get a lot of love validation, and as someone who is always willing to give it this will seem like a perfect match. But be mindful, the initial phase will seem wonderful, but as it progresses, fewer and fewer bouts of communication and conversation will occur. They are always looking for the next best thing, but it cannot be too good or outshine them. So, if you are rising upward, they may feel intimated and tend to knock down and devalue you.

Unfortunately, in the midst of dating and/or relationship you will begin to be ignored completely and they are venomous if you do anything that bares the mark of vulnerability. They feed on what they deem is weakness, which can be in the form of overly affectionate, emotional outbursts, etc. The goal of a narcissist is to try and break you the more you are around, and after a while they will grow tired and may even tell you to “Leave them alone”  If you haven’t awakened at this point, and wanna hang on,  then it is to no avail as they will eventually move on due to boredom. Be aware, they got you already, and now they know you are not leaving, so treating you bad, may not excite them anymore and they no longer need validation from you.

When dealing with a narcissist you may get statements such as “ they didn’t want to hurt you”, which further validates a power trip and for the emotional ones, will incite the need to stay, because you can, fix, help, or make them love you. 

Do not blame yourself!!!!!!!!!!

It is not your fault, at all!!!! You may question your worth, your sanity, your truth. DON’T!!!! The narcissist will make you feel “crazy” call you “insane” refer to you as a “Liar”  for responding the way you are, for just being as you are. They will dismiss you, and feel that due to your emotion, or emotional outburst, it has weakened you. 

But what narcissist has failed to realize is that being, knowing, understanding and vocalizing your emotions makes you stronger, because you are unafraid to show how you feel. In fact, they are the weak ones, they are the charlatans, with glasses, masks, the preverbal costumes to hide themselves and feelings. 

They may seem wiser, stronger, controlling, but you are the victor here. Because as they move on to better shinier, funnier things and continue to be the same over powering, self absorbed narcissist you have grown in this, you have learned in this, and you will have a healthy outlook and well-rounded way of being and on to a healthier less complicated relationship. 

Never Regret!!!

Don’t regret, your outburst, don’t regret your begging, don’t regret your emotional investment in this person, don’t regret pouring your heart out to this person. This was for a reason, trust me. If being with this person has left you devastated and discarded, please take solace that you no longer deal with them. If you didn’t marry one, you can easily walk away, heal and be in a better space. 

You may regret ever meeting them, but there is learning in everything. If you allowed a narcissist to get into your spirt and maybe even fell in love for whatever reason, recognize that you are or going to get better, the love you have for them put a pause on loving yourself.  Love is a beautiful and infinite thing, it is not to be taken lightly, nor is to be given away. Covet your love, compromise with it,  respect it, but above all, Walk away from someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Listen to your family and friends, those with eyes can see.

When I dated my Narcissist, everyone saw his picture and did not like him, they saw something I could not see. I was blinded and enamored because I saw with emotion and focused on my feelings and what I thought I could do for him. Instead, he used my honesty, truth and love against me. He scoffed at my ambitions, and instead of getting to know who I was, focused on what I could do for him. My time wasted was a lesson learned, that I now teach to you. 

Love yourself immensely, don’t allow someone to take from you, if you have to beg then they are not worth your time, and they are the losers as they walk with insecurities and flaws that they hide. Be free from someone who demeans you and dismisses you. They are small in mind, and small at heart and bring nothing to you, for they have nothing to give.

Please use this message, as a warning, a narcissist must want to reform, must want to love someone other than themselves, must see something besides a mirror and be ready to be open without the glasses!!!!, without the masks!!! And without the validation. 

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