When a relationship ends, people are so quick to tell you to forgive. You hear it in church, your family may tell you to move on, your friends, social media has a ton of inspirational quotes and motivational videos alike. But forgiveness is relative, it’s not cookie cutter. You can’t pass out forgiveness like band aids and expect it to fix the bleeding wound of hurt, guilt or pain, but it can help to release and begin or end what is needed to move forward.
Define and Walk in it.
“Forgive but not forget,” this statement has been used through the ages, but damnit it hurts!!!! you don’t want or know how to forgive. Its like your chest is going to explode your hands are numb when you think of whatever it is that has caused you discomfort. Betrayal, distrust, hurt and fear. The world today has made it very difficult, because you can see this person moving forward with their lives via social media. We have all become stalkers, now don’t believe you are any different. You cannot help but look at Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and see them laughing and seemingly enjoying their lives while you fall in to a bucket of tears everyday.
So what to do now? Where do you go from here? and how do you forgive yourself, let alone someone else?
So define it, call it out… “Betrayal!!!,” “You hurt me!!”, “I am Afraid!!!!”, “I don’t trust you”!!!! If you have not left your partner and these are the feelings you have, then tell them. Tell them how you feel, “I love you..but I feel this way. Let the communication begin to heal you.
What if you had to walk away, what if he/she left you? You feel abandoned, left alone, you feel unloved, you feel unwanted, you feel unattractive, you are not good enough, you feel hurt, you feel pain, your thoughts are of him/her daily. Don’t suppress them, don’t suppress your thoughts of this person, the more you try to do so, believe it or not, the more you will think of them, then you will get mad and hate you are still thinking of them, then you will think of them more. So think about him/her, its okay. Each time you think of the negative reason it didn’t work, define it and understand who you are in this. Don’t beat yourself up, lift yourself up.
He/she didn’t fit the part: Actors are in movies, they put on the costumes, say their lines and you believe they are the character for which they are playing.. But eventually everything has to come off, and reality must set in. The more you go over it in your head the more you will realize he/she were just playing the part they weren’t the real thing.
It’s your fault: Maybe, maybe you did something that just ruined the whole thing. That would not ruin something that was already broken. There are people who are and stay together during the worst times, infidelity, lies, deceit, extreme pain and they survive. Because Love is infinite and if its worth fighting for, you will pine for nothing because they will be by your side no matter what.
Just not into you: You will realize, you are not better or worse, you were just you. You are an acquired taste and he/she wasn’t the right one. Just because he/she fit your bill, they checked your boxes, doesn’t mean you checked theirs. He/she was just not into you. We tend to believe that because we love, like or are enamored by someone that they should feel the same. Nah.. not everyone can see you, not everyone can know, not everyone can hear you or feel you. Be patient!!! Don’t settle, he/she was a template to prepare you for the right one. My take on why a lot of marriages end, impatience…….. hmmmm, well talk about that later.
The Process of Forgiveness
Grieving and Healing
Don’t be surprised, by your feelings creeping in the back door of your mind. Let them in and leave the door wide open. You are so afraid of feeling the hurt, you drink it away, you smoke it away, but its never gone. Its like knowing you are going to throw up and doing every thing in your power not to, but eventually you are going to freaking throw up and you will feel better. (that’s a good visual)
Think and grieve at the loss of this person that was significant in your life. Miss them, hurt and cry but know that this is temporary and they are gone for a reason in order to open the door for the love of your life to walk in.
You may not be fully healed but you can begin that process as you walk the line of forgiveness. Your healing looks different than everyone else. You may have to take a day and freaking cry it out, take a moment and think of all the good and bad things that occurred in the relationship. If you are still with your partner, maybe you both need to scream for a moment. But whatever you do take some time and reflect on what happened, the parts that were played and exhaust yourself in these emotions.
You will have a lot of fear, as they start to build: A fighter may get hit in order to know what the punch feels like.
Should you forget? Weaponizing Pain
No, never!!! and I don’t care what others say, my opinion no. Because the process of healing is knowing that thing happened, hopefully why, but if not that you have faced it down and remain standing. You may need to lean on that hurt to move forward, you may need to remember the hurt in order to learn a little something about yourself, but never forget.
Bringing it up in order to hurt, cause pain for your revenge or redemption, Weaponizes it. You load it and keep it at the ready, as soon as your significant other slips up, you begin to hurt. Each time they try, you use it so they try harder. No No good, if you do this, you are doing yourself a disservice and being with this person, may not be in the cards. Because you are warden and prisoner, you will no longer be in a healthy relationship, you have allowed the pain to get in, and its wreaking havoc on your spirit.
Trust is eroded, and when apologies, crying, sadness, depression and the full gamut of emotions are exposed and you both are working it out and stepping forward, part of your healing is understanding and putting these issues to rest and if they do see the light again, it should only be in testimony of how far you have come and where you both are going.
My final thoughts
No one can tell you how to forgive, no one can tell you how to be or not be emotional. Prayer works, love works, but you have to do what you need for yourself before you forgive. Love, Friendship and now forgiveness are used in every sentence, but ensure you define them, ensure you know what these words really mean to you and only use them when you are ready.