I just knew that he was the one, I ignored him for a bit, but when I finally accepted his request for a date although apprehensive, I was totally enamored. We had similar goals, similar strengths, similar humor ( and I’m a hoot) We watched the same movies, loved the same shows and similar aspirations. I saw ,in him, someone to help me, and I just knew that God reached his hands down and gave me a second chance at love since the first one was so so bad. I realized early on that I was falling in love with him, it was about 5 months into this journey, and even then I was really guarded. I said to myself, “naw… this can’t be right” But I really tried hard, I really worked hard but I began to question me, I had yet to work through my own insecurities, manage what i considered failures and there was a spiral of unworthiness that set in and dismantled my psych, all the while not noticing the person, I thought I was in love with was working against me and that he was not the person for me. By then we were almost 7 months in before i realized he was an agenda driven person, set to hurt, mame and destroy in order to feed his own demons. Hidden behind the glasses of deceit was a small child, afraid, hurt and crying in the form of humiliating behavior, women that fed his ego, a broken family that lit his quest to “showboat” his things than to show his character.
But I healed and worked hard and I became eventually grateful for his bad behavior. Unfortunately in reaching out the olive branch his minions of destruction (with probable delegation) beelined into my DM’s and began their picking and prodding, childish bullying, and sending me bikini and butt pics to show they “Got EM” . I endured a few days, until i had to rescind my offer and block the whole lot em.
You cannot help everyone and eventually the poor women he chooses are just part of his pain, once their looks and butt fade.. he is off with the next one and that each woman is one of many he carries along his coattails feeding his insatiable appetite to be seen and heard. Having women post pics in his home and bathroom with the preverbal ( i was there pose) claiming territory, not knowing they are just on the middle passage.
So what did this teach me?
Besides the obvious, It taught me that people must acknowledge they need help before you try to help. That you may recognize the petty and sad behavior he exhibits but he may not
That those that tout how smart, and “total package” they are, are actually the dumbest and on the inside the ugliest of humans and it shows on the outside.
Well, I spent months trying to make another person “See” me, for who I was. But if he wanted to know me, then the questions, the patience, the time would have been there and he would have heard me. His eventual rants, evil doer attitude and “one and done mindset, coupled on the back of his insecurities would have been realized
I dumbed down my intelligence, was a waif in the wolfs lair. Yes it was a matter of months, but when you are in love you walk with blinders on and do not see the whole picture that he was not that “total package” that he just wore one. I was quick to tell him, “Hey, I think I love you,” and I think it just scared the bejesus outta him, but i really believed i could help him, I tried to remove the glasses and his minions “stayed my hand” and lept to his defense. They like him like that, they don’t care what he likes just what he represents. .
When you are in love, yes you will know it. But you will also know when they love you back. No question. I was not still and i didn’t listen, his pictures made my friends cringe as he is on instagram showing presenting as we all do, but they knew me and could see beyond the vail.
Discernment is key. Listen to yourself, listen to GOD this may not be love at all, but an off shoot of what is going on in your life and those areas you have haven’t approached in your life. Not discounting love, but giving yourself a moment of stillness allows contemplation and the opportunity to know if this actually real or just your emotions on the big screen.
Let It go!!
I woke up one day and realized, I was the only one in Love. Playing on the seesaw alone with no one to lift you. But i couldn’t just stay, i had to just let go. I realized I couldn’t place him in my life, I just placed him in the present. Gathering up the pieces of my heart took some time, fighting heartbreak, self-degradation, doubt, and hurt. the worse is the “What if” I just knew I was awesome. Right? I mean i am still awesome, but i really didn’t know it. I anchored myself to his praises and cried when I felt he didn’t see me.
I wish I had listened
You are who you are, you make mistakes you fall down, you get up, you cry you beg you do a lot of things but the biggest takeaway.. you are you. A person that wants to know you will sift through it, They can see, but trying to change someone’s perception of you can be a waste of energy. Believe it or not, if a person wants to know you, they will watch, listen, try to understand and work through it with you. Even in the early early early stages of a might be, kinda sorta relationship.
Just be you, make your mistakes apologize for actions and circumstances but don’t apologize for being you. If a person thinks you are one way and you are not, don’t spend your time trying to convince them otherwise. Just keep it moving and when you find that right one, you won’t ever have to explain a thing.
When I love again:
There is a reason I loved him, you hold on to someone for something you don’t know what it is, but you hold on. People will try to tell you why you love someone and why to let them go. But God will eventually reveal all and in time you will let them go, because it is a teaching moment. Preparing me for the greatest love of my life. Teaching me to see the BS
I was so determined to change the perception of me that I got lost in the “truth”, lost in proving who I was and I got lost in trying to “make” someone see me, when I was doing all of this for the wrong person and for the wrong reasons. Boy, how I wish I could have spoken to myself, but I really thought the more he knew, the more I told, then the more he would trust me and say “WOW, Brenda you are my girl” It was the exact opposite, the more I told him, the more frightened he became. Keeping on his magic glasses of deception and continuing to string me along as I dangled on truth.
It taught me to maintain patience and pride in myself. That he wasn’t keeping his glasses on because he looked cute, it was because he was afraid. It empowered me and i looked down at him not up, realizing he was not as strong as I was.
When you see and hear and feel bullying, when men and women attack you, it truly is because they see the greatness in you., They see something they can never achieve and are actually jealous that unlike them, your motives are pure and no ulterior motives as they did.
So how do you know?
For me it became real, but for him it was nothing more than an acquaintanceship, fun times with b50love, some foder for his book, and a notch on his belt. found out I was the butt of jokes amongst him and his friends, he used my “goodness” and kindness against me, and allowed his women friends to pester, torment and when told, his responses were ” oh she is just a pageant chick, thats what they do” smh
So here ya go: 5 simple things to know he is danger baby!!!
- He has no interest in you at all: He just likes what you look like and would prefer you be quiet
- He spends more time looking at himself than looking at you. ( now i post on instagram, but sheesh)
- You are told, in conversation, how he loved so many “beautiful” women and yes he talking to you, who he is dating..smh
- He doesn’t want you to go with him publicly, hell you spend more time texting than seeing his actual house
- Excuses and dismissive behavior. I think you know what that is.
Bottom line, his cute, fancy Burberry glasses, matter more than you.
With all that said, I don’t feel bad, contrary to what this reads. It was learning experience.
- I will never apologize for being me and you should never apologize for being you.
- The picking , the name calling is due to fear of you, showing their jealousy and their own demons they fight with ageism and colorism to name a few.
- That getting caught in your emotions is totally natural and don’t blame yourself for falling for him, blame him for his manner of being.
- It’s important to know your worth. the darkness scurries from light. The more you know the brighter you become in order to repell the darkness and it would never creep your way again
Revenge NO!!!! let them do what they do, let GOD handle it. Let him see your success and happiness, and don’t just show it know it. I am so happy with the experience, I coulda did without my DMs lighting up. But ms BECK, MS FACE, MS NEAL, MS K, you did not win you only empowered and at the end you came together to fight for a man instead of coming together.
You ladies should have provided warnings, comradery, help, love. instead of hate, fear, pictures of his bathroom, pics of inappropriate behavior, and humiliating hate speech.
Sure like everyone I am still navigating the love thing. But i want women to love each other first. ME TOO! to WE TOO!, locking arm in solidarity when the wolves comes to break barriers. Holding each other as the winds pick up full of his baiting words. Crying with each other, when we fail to heed the warnings and we are hurt, sad and destroyed by his pain
I still love you ladies, I blocked you all, but I love you still. Be mindful who you protect, because the best interest may be their own and while we see valentines day looming these poor women stand in line hoping their number comes up for their toilet pic in his house.
Please ladies get goals, self respect, not ass shots and bikini laden sink moments. we are better, stronger, faster, harder than that
Think Better, know better, be better because you are ARE BETTER
Love you ladies and be blessed any one that comes in contact with a love such as this. I heed warnings to you, not hate